The Name Game

A sociological study conducted by the Harvard School for Serious Studies in 1996 found there to be a vague correlation between a person's name and success or failure in his/her life pursuits.  They put all names into three major groupings: Unfortunate Names, Common Uninteresting Names, and Exotic or Captivating Names.  The study focused on the first and third categories explaining it was counter- productive to deal with all the Mary Joneses and Jim Smiths because they led ho-hum lives and didn't merit wasting resources and the time of researchers.

In the Unfortunate Name group the findings of the researchers can be summed up by two or three examples.  A baker, Norman Shitt, moved from job to job and had issues with schools trying to deal with his children's social relationships with their fellow students.

Researchers found a deputy sheriff in Arkansas whose parents, Harold and Amy Head, named him Richard.

A number of females, most of them from southern states, having Squatt as a surname, were found to have consistent tendencies to marry young (some at nine or ten years of age) apparently as a way to get a name change.  It was found that two of the Squatt girls married twin brothers named Downs.

In the third category the researchers agreed the most success-connected name ever was attached to the American President, Abraham Lincoln.  No other name was close for positive association.

In sports a football player had the perfect name: Joe Montana. Did they say perfect?  Perfect.

In pornongraphy-tainted journalism the perfect name goes to National Inquirer publisher, David Pecker.

The best lawyer name ever goes to the mouth-piece for recently seven-back-holes-drilled Jacob Blake, B'ivory Lamarr.  Whatever case B'ivory is associated with will give him a lock-down jury when the court introduces them to (drum roll) B'ivory Lamarr.  That name sings.

There are so many more names out there but so little space left in my allotted allowance.  Let me know any I missed.