The Secret Lives of Feral Aardvarks

A recent poll sponsored by the National Geographic Magazine found that the least interesting mammal in the world is the North American aardvark and a close second is the South African aardvark. This suggests why only 24 people in the world kept aardvarks as pets and four of those people were cousins. (Probably 28% to 46% of the people who started reading this column have stopped reading two  sentences back).  But there is more to learn about aardvarks.

The reason they make terrible pets (besides being gobstruck ugly) is that they are nocturnal and will keep you awake all night with their grunting and burrowing. Good luck with your backyard landscaping because that long pig-like snout of the aardvark will have it upside down in a matter of hours.

Also, the aardvark will eat anything from your shoes to your couch pillows and your good intentions. That last item, eating good intentions, is a mystical, almost unbelievable, supernatural gift the animal has for capturing people’s positive thoughts and converting them into aardvark sustenance.  It sounds crazy but the research that documents this phenomenon is indisputable.

Trying to make pets of aardvarks causes them to go feral, which leads to their full arsenal of bad behavior.  Another thing: they have notoriously bad breath and can’t see colors.