Disunion Solution

One thing we can all agree on in 2020 America is that there is little we can all agree on.  And a nation so divided will not endure while that is the case.  Statues have become the focal point of the division in our country where if you topple my Robert E. Lee I'll unhorse your Ulysses S. Grant.  No iconic figure, apparently, is safe from an attack by some mob of true believers and our nation's pigeons are distraught.

Everybody relax, I have the solution that might bring a springtime of peace and perhaps even create an environment of tranquility between the brothers and sisters of our homeland.  How many of you remember lava lamps?  Yes, lava lamps.  We must replace every statue of a person with a giant lava lamp with its mesmerising globs of glunk floating upward to vanish and then be replaced by a new glob of a different shape rising from some mysterious vault that never empties.

A person can watch a lava lamp for hours in peaceful fascination as anxieties float away like the rising globs.  And pigeons have no place to perch.  The initial cost of creating all those giant lava lamps  as well as the labor cost of the operation will be borne by placing a tax on caramel corn.

Solving national problems isn't difficult.